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Material Type
Artifact
Materials
LEATHER, BRASS, SILVER-PLATE
Catalogue Number
P19890020010
  2 images  
Material Type
Artifact
Date
1986
Materials
LEATHER, BRASS, SILVER-PLATE
No. Pieces
1
Length
127
Width
4.3
Description
MEN'S BELT, TOOLED LEATHER. BUCKLE READS: "1986 WHOOP-UP DAYS PARADE MARSHAL LETHBRIDGE & DISTRICT EXHIBITION ALEX JOHNSTON". LAVENDER NYLON CLOTH INSET IN LEATHER TORN. BACK OF BELT READS "927 42" WITH ILLEGIBLE STAMP. WHITE STITCHING AROUND BELT BORDER. SEE CONSERVATION REPORT.
Subjects
CLOTHING-ACCESSORY
CEREMONIAL ARTIFACT
Historical Association
COMMEMORATIVE
History
JOHNSTON SERVED AS HONOURARY PARADE MARSHALL IN 1986, BELT WAS A PRESENTATION FOR THE OCCASION. FROM JOHNSTON ESTATE. SEE P19890020001-GA FOR JOHNSTON HISTORY. FOR FURTHER INFORMATION PLEASE SEE THE PERMANENT FILE.
Catalogue Number
P19890020010
Acquisition Date
1989-05
Collection
Museum
Images
Less detail
Other Name
CALUMET PIPE PREFORM
Date Range From
1700
Material Type
Artifact
Materials
STONE
Catalogue Number
P19738041000
  1 image  
Material Type
Artifact
Other Name
CALUMET PIPE PREFORM
Date Range From
1700
Materials
STONE
No. Pieces
1
Height
3.6
Length
8.6
Width
5.5
Description
17.5 MM (BOWL HOLE) X 10 MM (STEMHOLE). DARK RED PIPE STONE. SEVERAL SPOTS OF BLUE PAINT ON BODY. THERE ARE SEVERAL HORIZONTAL INCISED LINES. THERE IS AN ABANDONED STEM HOLE STARTED ON OPPOSITE SIDE FROM PRESENT STEM HOLE. ABRASION MARKS ON ONE SIDE. AN UNFINISHED PREFORM, APPARENTLY BEING DESIGNED AS A BLACKFOOT STYLE PLATFORM PIPE. APPARENTLY DISCARDED DUE TO MANUFACTURING OR MATERIAL IMPERFECTION. ROTARY ONE WAY DRILLING USED FOR HOLES.
Subjects
PERSONAL GEAR
CEREMONIAL ARTIFACT
Historical Association
ARCHAEOLOGY
ETHNOGRAPHIC
History
BLACKFOOT. IN 2017, COLLECTIONS ASSISTANT ELISE PUNDYK CONDUCTED A SURVEY OF BOXED TEXTILES AND ACCESSORIES INCLUDING A HATPIN, BROOCH, AND BUTTON DONATED BY ALVA MARION BUSSARD. HER HUSBAND, LAWRENCE HAYWORTH BUSSARD, WAS ALSO A DONOR TO THE MUSEUM. COLLECTIVELY, THE COUPLE DONATED 31 ARTIFACTS BETWEEN THE YEARS 1964 TO 1973. ALVA M. BUSSARD (NEE MCMOW)’S OBITUARY STATES SHE WAS BORN IN NIAGARA FALLS, NEW YORK ON OCTOBER 28, 1908. SHE MOVED WEST WITH HER FAMILY IN 1910 AND GREW UP IN THE OLDS-DIDSBURY AREA. SHE MARRIED LAWRENCE H. BUSSARD (B. 1906) ON SEPTEMBER 12, 1937. THEY LIVED IN VERMILLION UNTIL 1948, THEN MOVED TO DRUMHELLER. THEY RELOCATED TO LETHBRIDGE IN 1950 WHEN LAWRENCE TOOK THE JOB OF PUBLIC SCHOOL SUPERINTENDENT. THE COUPLE HAD A SON, DENNIS JAMES (JIM) BUSSARD. LAWRENCE PASSED AWAY ON NOVEMBER 5, 1967 AT THE AGE OF 59 YEARS. L. H. BUSSARD’S OBITUARY IN THE LETHBRIDGE HERALD SPELLS HIS NAME “LAURENCE” AND STATES THAT HE MARRIED ALVA (SPELLED “ELVA”) ON DECEMBER 12, 1936. ACCORDING TO ALVA’S OBITUARY SHE MOVED TO SIDNEY, B. C. IN 1969. SHE THEN BACK TO RED DEER IN 1978 WHERE SHE PASSED AWAY ON MAY 2, 1998. ON NOVEMBER 28, 2017, PUNDYK SPOKE OVER THE PHONE WITH ALVA AND LAWRENCE’S SON, DENNIS BUSSARD OF RED DEER, ALBERTA, ABOUT THE 31 ARTIFACTS DONATED BY HIS PARENTS. HE DID NOT RECOGNIZE THE ARTIFACTS, BUT PROVIDED INFORMATION ABOUT HIS MOTHER. DENNIS STATED HE LEFT HIS PARENTS’ HOME IN 1956. HE ADDED TO THE INFORMATION FROM ALVA’S OBITUARY THAT SHE AND HER FAMILY MOVED TO SASKATCHEWAN BRIEFLY BEFORE MOVING TO ALBERTA FROM NEW YORK. HE EXPLAINED HIS MOTHER BECAME INVOLVED WITH HER FAMILY’S GENEALOGY AND FOUND HER BIRTH CERTIFICATE WHICH SPELLED HER NAME “ALVA” AND SHE ADOPTED THAT SPELLING. PRIOR TO THAT DISCOVERY, HIS MOTHER SPELLED HER NAME “ELVA,” WHICH IS THE REASON RECORDS EXIST WITH THAT SPELLING. THE GALT HOLDS A PAINTING DONATED BY L. H. BUSSARD THAT IS SIGNED “E. M. BUSSARD,” WHICH WAS DENNIS’S MOTHER. HE SAID THAT SHE BEGAN PAINTING FREQUENTLY AFTER HE LEFT HOME IN 1956. PLEASE SEE PERMANENT FILE P19651668000 FOR FURTHER INFORMATION, INCLUDING LETHBRIDGE HERALD CLIPPINGS.
Catalogue Number
P19738041000
Acquisition Date
1964-07
Collection
Museum
Images
Less detail
Other Name
ST. MARY'S CHURCH
Date Range From
1912
Date Range To
1955
Material Type
Artifact
Materials
COTTON
Catalogue Number
P20060021018
  1 image  
Material Type
Artifact
Other Name
ST. MARY'S CHURCH
Date Range From
1912
Date Range To
1955
Materials
COTTON
No. Pieces
2
Length
44
Width
5
Description
PRPL STOLE WITH GLD FRINGED GROS-GRAINED RIBBON. EMBROIDERED TEXT THAT READS "IHS" NEAR GLD FRINGE ON ONE SIDE OF RIBBON. STOLE TORN IN MIDDLE STILL ATTACHED BY A THREAD. SIDE WITH EMBROIDERY VERY FADED.
Subjects
CEREMONIAL ARTIFACT
CLOTHING-ACCESSORY
Historical Association
RELIGION
History
STOLE AND OTHER TEXTILES(P20060021011 TO P20060021018 AND P20060021020) WERE FOUND IN A TRUNK (SEE P20060021021) WHEN PARISHONERS CLEANED OUT ST. MARY'S CHURCH IN PREPERATION FOR ITS FUTURE SALE. NO ONE FROM THE CHURCH AT THE TIME OF THE DONATION COULD RECALL ANY INFORMATION ABOUT THE TRUNK OR ITS CONTENTS. THE ALTER FRONTALS DID NOT FIT THE ALTER WHICH BEGAN ITS USED IN 1955. IT IS ASSUMED THAT THE TEXTILES WERE USED IN THE FIRST HALF OF THE PARISH'S EXISTENCE. ST MARY’S ANGLICAN CHURCH BEGAN EARLY IN THE 1900S. THE EARLIEST ARCHIVAL RECORD IS A STATEMENT MADE IN JANUARY, 1906 THAT A GROUP OF PROMINENT MEMBERS OF ST. AUGUSTIN’S PARISHIONERS AGREED TO COVER A DEFICIT IN THE OPERATION OF ST. MARY’S MISSION UP TO $300. APPARENTLY, ST. MARY’S EXISTED BEFORE THIS DECISION, BUT IT IS UNKNOWN FOR HOW LONG. A FORMAL ORGANIZATION MEETING FOR ST. MARY’S MISSION WAS HELD ON APRIL 20. 1908. THE SEPARATE PARISH OF ST. MARY’S WAS ESTABLISHED ON FEBRUARY 1, 1910. THE “NEW” CHURCH WAS BUILT IN 1912, AND USED BY THE PARISH UNTIL IT CLOSED IN 2003. THE NORTH SIDE CHRISTIAN FELLOWSHIP THEN RENTED THE BUILDING UNTIL 2006, WHEN THE PROPERTY WAS SOLD TO A PRIVATE INDIVIDUAL. THERE WERE AT LEAST EIGHT RECTORS (PRIESTS) AT ST MARY’S BETWEEN 1910 AND 1944, INCLUDING SOME PERIODS OF TIME WHEN NO PRIEST WAS AVAILABLE (OR AFFORDABLE). IN 1944, ROBERT COWAN ARRIVED AND SERVED ST. MARY’S FOR THE NEXT 37 YEARS UNTIL 1981, A TERM UNPARALLELED IN THE ANGLICAN DIOCESE OF CALGARY. IT WAS DURING THIS TIME THAT ST. MARY’S BECAME KNOWN HAS ST. MARY THE VIRGIN. CANON COWAN RETURNED TO ST MARY’S AS A PARISHIONER FOR A FEW YEARS LATER, AND REMAINED UNTIL HIS DEATH IN 1999. MICHAEL EBSWORTH SERVED AS RECTOR FROM 1981 UNTIL 1994, WHEN HE RESIGNED DUE TO HEALTH REASONS. FATHER EBSWORTH REMAINED A RESIDENT OF LETHBRIDGE, OFTEN SERVING AS A “VISITING” PRIEST, AND HE TOOK PART IN THE FINAL SERVICE AT ST. MARY’S HELD ON AUGUST 14, 2003. IN THE FINAL DECADE OF ST MARY’S EXISTENCE, FIVE OTHER PRIESTS SERVED THE PARISH, INCLUDING TWO FEMALE PRIESTS WHICH SOME FOUND SURPRISING DUE TO ST. MARY’S TRADITIONAL LITURGICAL PRACTICES. THE CHURCH CLOSED AND AMALGAMATED WITH THE ANGLICAN PARISH OF ST. AUGUSTINE. OTHER OBJECTS AND ARCHIVAL MATERIALS ASSOCIATED WITH ST. MARY'S OPERATION WERE TRANSFERRED TO THE ANGLICAN DIOCESE OF CALGARY. AT THE TIME OF ITS CLOSURE, ST MARY'S WAS THE LONGEST OPERATING OF ANY LETHBRIDGE CHURCH IN THE CURRENT PREMISES. FOR COMPLETE HISTORY SEE PERMANENT FILE P20060021001.
Catalogue Number
P20060021018
Acquisition Date
2006-08
Collection
Museum
Images
Less detail
Other Name
TEMPLE GARMENT
Material Type
Artifact
Materials
POLYESTER, NYLON, COTTON
Catalogue Number
P20190016000
  2 images  
Material Type
Artifact
Other Name
TEMPLE GARMENT
Date
2010
Materials
POLYESTER, NYLON, COTTON
No. Pieces
12
Height
47
Length
45.5
Width
9.2
Description
A. BAG, LIGHT BLUE, 47CM TALL (STANDING) X 45.5CM LONG X 9.2CM WIDE. BAG HAS BLUE ZIPPER THAT RUNS ALONG SIDES AND TOP; BAG HAS TWO STRAPS AT TOP WITH LEATHER GUARD THAT CLOSES WITH TWO SILVER SNAP-BUTTONS. FRONT OF BAG HAS TWO POCKETS THAT CLOSE WITH VELCRO; FRONT HAS PLASTIC CARD HOLDER WITH CLEAR FRONT, AND SMALL BROCHURE INSIDE. BROCHURE HAS THREE FOLDS AND COLOUR PHOTO OF THE CARDSTON TEMPLE ON THE FRONT; INSIDE OF BROCHURE HAS INFORMATION ON “CARDSTON ALBERTA TEMPLE SCHEDULE 2014” AND INFORMATION FOR “CONTACTING THE CARDSTON TEMPLE, FAMILY FILE SESSIONS, ENDOWMENT SESSIONS, ORDINANCES FOR THE LIVING, SPECIAL OPENINGS, DATES CLOSED, CAFETERIA HOURS, GENERAL INFORMATION, DISTRIBUTION CENTRE”. BACK OF BAG HAS ONE ZIP-POCKET WITH BLACK INTERIOR LINING. BOTTOM OF BAG HAS FOUR BLUE PLASTIC FEET. INSIDE OF BAG HAS BLACK LINING AND BLACK INSERT WITH TWO POCKETS THAT ZIPS TO THE INSIDE. SIDES OF BAG HAVE SILVER METAL RINGS FOR ATTACHING LONGER SHOULDER STRAP. BAG HAS MINOR STAINING ALONG OUTER EDGES AND BASE, AND INSIDE POCKETS; OVERALL VERY GOOD CONDITION. BAG INCLUDES EXTRA DETACHABLE SHOULDER STRAP; STRAP IS 121.8CM LONG X 3.9CM WIDE. STRAP IS LIGHT BLUE WITH SILVER HINGED CLIPS AT ENDS; STRAP HAS BLACK PLASTIC ADJUSTABLE SHOULDER GUARD; OVERALL EXCELLENT CONDITION. B. DRESS, 137.8 CM L X 34.7CM W. WHITE LONG-SLEEVE DRESS WITH SILVER LEAF DETAILING ON FRONT OF BUST AND SLEEVE CUFFS; FRONT HAS STITCHED SEAMS RUNNING HORIZONTALLY UNDER BUST AND VERITCALLY DOWN BUST FROM SHOULDERS. DRESS HAS STITCHED SEAM ABOVE CUFFS; DRESS HAS SILVER LEAF DETAILING ON TWO STITCHED PANELS RUNNING VERTICALLY DOWN DRESS SKIRT, FROM BUST TO HEM. DRESS HAS POCKETS SEWN INTO SIDES ABOVE THE HIPS. BACK OF DRESS HAS WHITE ZIPPER RUNNING DOWN CENTER TO MID-BACK. INSIDE OF BACK BELOW NECK HAS SEWN ON WHITE CLOTH TAG WITH WHITE EMBROIDERED TEXT “COVENANT APPAREL”; INSIDE OF BACK BELOW CLOTH TAG IS WHITE PAPER TAG WITH BLACK PRINTED TEXT “MADE IN USA, 100% POLYESTER, MACHINE WASH WARM, NO BLEACH, TUMBLE DRY, STYLE 446570, NAUVOO, SIZE 4”. DRESS HAS MINOR CREASING; RIGHT SLEEVE CUFF HAS FRAYING THREAD; OVERALL EXCELLENT CONDITION. C. PAIR OF SOCKS, 33CM L X 6.5CM W. WHITE COTTON SOCKS WITH ELASTIC OPENINGS. TOP OF SOCKS HAVE RIDGED PATTERN AROUND OPENING; SOCKS ARE SOLID, SMOOTH COTTON. SOCKS HAVE MINOR WRINKLING AND CREASING; OVERALL EXCELLENT CONDITION. D. PAIR OF SLIPPERS, 25.5CM L X 10CM W. WHITE SLIPPERS WITH CLOSED TOES AND FLORAL LACE SEWN ONTO TOP ACROSS RIDGE; INSIDE OF SLIPPERS IS QUILTED, PADDED LINING. SLIPPERS HAVE WHITE, PAPER TAGS SEWN INSIDE AGAINST OUTER SIDES WITH BLACK PRINTED TEXT “L.D.S. AUTHORIZED PATTERN, 4 407245 11/09, SIZE/TALLA 8, CUT/CORTE # 03471, MACHINE WASH COLD – GENTLE CYCLE…MADE IN U.S.A., 100% POLYESTER” WITH EXTENDED BILINGUAL INSTRUCTIONS FOR WASHING. BOTTOMS OF SLIPPERS HAVE WHITE RUBBER-DOT GRIP PATTERN. BOTTOMS ARE DISCOLOURED AND SCUFFED FROM WEAR; INSIDES HAVE FRAYING THREADS; OVERALL VERY GOOD CONDITION. E. UNDERWEAR TOP, 64.7CM L X 44CM W. WHITE SLEEVELESS UNDERWEAR TOP WITH V-NECK CUT AND LACE TRIM AROUND NECKLINE. TOP HAS RUCHING BELOW POINT OF NECKLINE DOWN CHEST. FRONT OF TOP HAS BOTTOM EDGE DROPPING LOWER THAN BACK OF TOP. TOP HAS WHITE PAPER TAG SEWN ONTO INSIDE RIGHT SEAM WITH GREY PRINTED TEXT; BILINGUAL TEXT ON FRONT OF TAG READS, “4275005, 32, 4/11, L.D.S. AUTHORIZED PATTERN, FOR USE ONLY BY ENDOWED MEMBERS OF THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS AND NOT FOR RESALE”; BILINGUAL TEXT ON BACK OF TAG READS, “100% NYLON, MACHINE WASH COOL, NON-CHLORINE BLEACH WHEN NEEDED, TUMBLE DRY PERMANENT PRESS, NO IRON, CUT # 38933”. TOP HAS MINOR CREASING; TEXT ON TAG IS FADED; OVERALL VERY GOOD CONDITION. F. UNDERWEAR BOTTOMS, 57.5CM L X 40.5CM W. WHITE UNDERWEAR SHORTS WITH LACE TRIM ALONG WAIST AND LEG-OPENINGS. FRONT OF BOTTOMS HAS PANEL OF ELASTIC-MATERIAL SEWN ON. BOTTOMS HAVE A WHITE PAPER TAG SEWN INSIDE AT BACK IN-SEAM WITH GREY PRINTED TEXT; BILINGUAL TEXT ON FRONT OF TAG READS, “4241302, SIZE 40, 9/15, L.D.S. AUTHORIZED PATTERN, FOR USE ONLY BY ENDOWED MEMBERS OF THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS AND NOT FOR RESALE”; BILINGUAL TEXT ON BACK OF TAG READS, “50% COTTON, 50% POLYESTER, MACHINE WASH WARM, NON-CHLORINE BLEACH WHEN NEEDED, TUMBLE DRY LOW – REMOVE PROMPTLY, DO NOT IRON, CUT # 35568”. FRONT HAS MINOR DISCOLOURATION AND STAINING; TEXT ON TAG IS FADED; OVERALL VERY GOOD CONDITION. G. APRON, 46.3CM L X 77CM W (WITH WAIST-STRAP). GREEN APRON WITH SCALLOPED EDGES AT SIDES AND BOTTOM; APRON HAS EMBROIDERED LEAF PATTERNS AND STITCHING ALONG EDGES. APRON HAS WHITE ELASTIC TIE-STRAP AT WAIST, WITH WHITE PLASTIC ADJUSTERS. BACK OF APRON HAS WHITE PAPER TAG WITH BLACK PRINTED TEXT IN UPPER RIGHT CORNER; BILINGUAL TEXT ON FRONT OF TAG “4402039, SIZE 00, 11/09, L.D.S. AUTHORIZED PATTERN, FOR USE ONLY BY ENDOWED MEMBER OF THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS AND NOT FOR RESALE”; BILINGUAL TEXT ON BACK OF TAG, “100% POLYESTER, HAND WASH COLD, DO NOT USE BLEACH, TUMBLE DRY LOW, REMOVE PROMPTLY, COOL IRON, CUT # 03458”. APRON HAS MINOR CREASING; BACK HAS FRAYING THREADS AT TIE-STRAPS; BACK TAG IS FOLDED; OVERALL EXCELLENT CONDITION. H. ENVELOPE, 27.6CM L X 42CM W. WHITE CLOTH WITH OPENING AT TOP; ENVELOPE HAS FABRIC FOLDED OVER ON FRONT BELOW OPENING, WITH LACE TRIM AT EDGE. ENVELOPE HAS MACHINE-STITCHED FOLD RUNNING BELOW OPENING ON FRONT AND BACK. INSIDE ENVELOPE IS A WHITE PAPER TAG WITH BLACK PRINTED TEXT; BILINGUAL TEXT ON FRONT OF TAG READS, “4401545, SIZE 00, 9/09, L.D.S. AUTHORIZED PATTERN, FOR USE ONLY BY ENDOWED MEMBERS OF THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS AND NOT FOR RESALE”; BILINGUAL TEXT ON BACK OF TAG READS, “100% POLYESTER, HAND WASH WARM, DO NOT BLEACH, DRIP DRY, COOL IRON, CUT # 03260”. ENVELOPE HAS MINOR THREADS FRAYING ON INSIDE SEAMS; OVERALL EXCELLENT CONDITION. I. SASH, 266CM L X 14.1CM W. WHITE RIBBON SASH WITH MACHINE-STITCHED EDGES; SASH IS SHEER. SASH HAS MINOR CREASING FROM BEING FOLDED; OVERALL EXCELLENT CONDITION. J. VEIL, 81.4CM L X 82.5CM W. WHITE VEIL WITH OPAQUE PLASTIC COMB STITCHED TO TOP EDGE, AND ELASTIC SEWN INTO TOP EDGE; VEIL HAS TRIANGULAR-POINTED ENDS ON SIDES AND AT BACK; VEIL HAS TWO WHITE TIE-STRAPS ATTACHED TO TOP. INSIDE OF VEIL HAS TRIANGULAR, POINTED PANEL ATTACHED TO BACK. VEIL HAS MINOR CREASING AND FOLDS; OVERALL EXCELLENT CONDITION. K. ROBE, 117.5CM L X 66CM W. WHITE PLEATED SHAWL-ROBE; ROBE HAS ROUNDED BACK FOR RESTING ON SHOULDERS; FRONT OF ROBE HAS TWO PANELS WITH WHITE TIE-STRAP ACROSS CHEST; SIDES OF ROBE HAVE HANGING WHITE TIE-STRAPS. BACK OF ROBE HAS WHITE PANEL WITH THREE VERTICAL FOLDS RUNNING FROM NECK TO BOTTOM EDGE. RIGHT SIDE OF ROBE HAS A WHITE PAPER TAG AT BACK WITH BLACK PRINTED TEXT; BILINGUAL TEXT ON FRONT OF TAG READS, “4421500, SIZE 20, 10/09, L.D.S. AUTHORIZED PATTERN, FOR USE ONLY BY ENDOWED MEMBERS OF THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS AND NOT FOR RESALE”; BILINGUAL TEXT ON BACK OF TAG READS, “100% POLYESTER, HAND WASH WARM, BLEACH WHEN NEEDED, DRIP DRY, WARM IRON, CUT # 03340”. ROBE HAS MINOR FRAYING OF THREADS ON SIDE TIE-STRAPS; OVERALL EXCELLENT CONDITION. L. SLIP, DRESS, 119CM L X 39CM W. WHITE DRESS-SLIP WITH LACE TRIM ALONG BOTTOM EDGE, ARMHOLES AND AROUND NECK-LINE; SLIP IS SLEEVELESS. SLIP HAS WHITE PAPER TAG AT BACK OF NECK WITH BLACK PRINTED TEXT; BILINGUAL TEXT ON FRONT OF TAG READS, “4487602, SIZE S-R, 10/09, AUTHORIZED PATTERN, MADE IN U.S.A., CARE INSTRUCTIONS ON REVERSE SIDE”; BILINGUAL TEXT ON BACK OF TAG READS, “100% NYLON, MACHINE WASH WARM, NON-CHLORINE BLEACH, TUMBLE DRY LOW, REMOVE PROMPTLY, COOL IRON, CUT # 03371”. SLIP HAS MINOR CREASING ON FRONT AND BACK; OVERALL EXCELLENT CONDITION.
Subjects
CLOTHING-ACCESSORY
CLOTHING-FOOTWEAR
CLOTHING-HEADWEAR
CLOTHING-OUTERWEAR
CLOTHING-UNDERWEAR
CEREMONIAL ARTIFACT
Historical Association
RELIGION
PERSONAL CARE
History
ON JULY 24, 2019, COLLECTIONS TECHNICIAN KEVIN MACLEAN INTERVIEWED ASHLEY RUTTAN REGARDING HER DONATION OF A CHURCH OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS TEMPLE GARMENTS SET. ON RECEIVING THE TEMPLE GARMENT SET, RUTTAN RECALLED, “I WAS ENDOWED IN THE LDS TEMPLE IN CARDSTON, ALBERTA, APRIL 6TH, 2010…I PURCHASED [THE TEMPLE GARMENTS] PROBABLY A WEEK OR TWO PRIOR TO THAT, SO EVER SINCE THEN THEY’VE BEEN A PART OF MY LIFE, IN SOME WAY OR ANOTHER.” “USUALLY THE SET WILL LAST YOU YOUR LIFE…BECAUSE YOU’LL VARY IN SIZE THROUGHOUT YOUR LIFE YOU WILL PURCHASE A DIFFERENT TEMPLE DRESS OR A SLIP TO WEAR UNDERNEATH IT. BUT AS FAR AS THE SACRED CLOTHES THAT ARE IN THE SET BELOW USUALLY THAT SHOULD LAST YOU THROUGHOUT LIFE.” “WHEN YOU’RE A YOUTH YOU CAN GET A LIMITED USE RECOMMEND TO THE TEMPLE. YOU CAN GET THIS LITTLE PIECE OF PAPER THAT SAYS YOU CAN GO DO ORDINANCES LIKE BAPTISMS FOR THE DEAD…BUT WHEN YOU GET YOUR ACTUAL TEMPLE RECOMMEND YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH AN INTERVIEW WITH THE BISHOP AND HE SENDS IT AND YOU SIGN IT. AND THEN YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE NEXT LEVEL WHICH IS THE STAKE. WHICH IS THE ORGANIZATIONS OF THE WARDS IN THE COMMUNITY. THERE’S A STAKE PRESIDENT AND A STAKE PRESIDENCY AND YOU GO MEET WITH ONE OF THOSE THREE MEN, TO AGAIN ASK YOU…THE SAME QUESTIONS. AND AGAIN HE WILL SIGN IT…THERE’S A FILE ON YOU, FOR SURE…IT’S CALLED YOUR MEMBERSHIP RECORD, I THINK THAT’S THE TECHNICAL TERM FOR IT.” “[THE RECOMMEND IS] LIKE A LITTLE CARD…THAT YOU COULD PROBABLY JUST FIT IN YOUR WALLET…YOU HAVE TO SHOW IT AT THE FRONT DESK AT THE TEMPLE OR WHEN PURCHASING TEMPLE CLOTHES…GARMENTS THEY SAY YOU WILL WEAR THROUGHOUT YOUR LIFE. YOU WEAR GARMENTS ON A DAY-TO-DAY BASIS UNDER YOUR CLOTHES ALL THE TIME…[IT] IS SUPPOSED TO BE A PERSONAL REMINDER OF THE COVENANTS THAT YOU MADE IN THE TEMPLE TODAY.” “I WAS KIND OF A REBEL AND I WAS LIKE ‘GARMENTS?’ I CAN WEAR THEM AS MUCH OR AS LITTLE AS I WANT AND I DID, AND I DIDN’T WORRY TWICE ABOUT IT…[BY THE TIME I’M TEACHING YOUNG WOMEN’S CLASSES I’VE STOPPED WEARING THE GARMENTS] ON A REGULAR BASIS. NOT ALTOGETHER. BUT I HAVE DECIDED WHEN I WANT TO AND WHEN I DON’T.” “OFTEN PEOPLE ARE BURIED IN THEIR TEMPLE CLOTHING BECAUSE, SYMBOLICALLY, YOU GO TO THE VEIL IN THE TEMPLE TO MEET GOD IN YOUR FULL GARB, YOUR FULL GETUP, SYMBOLIC OF ALL THE COVENANTS AND PROMISES AND THINGS…WHY WOULDN’T YOU BE BURIED IN THAT…BECAUSE THAT’S WHERE YOU’RE GOING AFTER THIS LIFE, IS TO DO WHAT YOU’VE PREPARED YOURSELF TO DO IN THE TEMPLE. YOU’RE GOING TO GO TO MEET GOD AND DO ALL THOSE SIGNS AND SYMBOLS AND HANDSHAKES AND SAY THE RIGHT WORDS. SO PEOPLE ARE OFTEN BURIED WEARING THEIR FULL TEMPLE CLOTHES.” RUTTAN ELABORATED ON HER EXPERIENCES BEING ENDOWED AND RECEIVING THE GARMENTS, NOTING, “IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO GO TO THE LDS TEMPLE AND BECOME AN ENDOWED MEMBER OF THE CHURCH…YOU’RE PREPARED FOR IT YOUR ENTIRE LIFE…IT STARTS IN PRIMARY WHEN YOU’RE REALLY LITTLE…YOUR ULTIMATE GOAL IS TO MAKE IT TO THE TEMPLE BECAUSE THAT’S WHERE YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE YOUR MOST IMPORTANT PROMISES WITH GOD. SO YOU SING SONGS ABOUT IT. YOU HAVE LESSONS ABOUT IT. IT IS TALKED ABOUT CONSTANTLY. WHEN YOU’RE EIGHT YEARS OLD YOU’RE BAPTIZED INTO THE LDS CHURCH, SO THAT’S WHEN YOU RECEIVE YOUR FIRST WHAT THEY CALL A WORTHINESS INTERVIEW. YOU’LL GO DOWN AND YOU’LL SIT WITH THE LEADER OF YOUR WARD—WHICH IS LIKE THE LOCAL ORGANIZATION OF MEMBERS IN THE COMMUNITY AND THE BISHOP IS THE LEADER OF THAT ORGANIZATION, SO HE’LL SIT DOWN WITH YOU. USUALLY YOUR PARENTS ARE THERE. HE’LL ASK YOU QUESTIONS ABOUT LIKE ‘ARE YOU READING YOUR SCRIPTURES? DO YOU PRAY? DO YOU HAVE A TESTIMONY OF JESUS CHRIST?’…YOU GO THROUGH THAT INTERVIEW TO BE DEEMED WORTHY TO MAKE THE COVENANT AND BE BAPTIZED. THAT’S LIKE YOUR FIRST INTERVIEW AND AS YOU BECOME A YOUTH IN THE CHURCH—SO AT THE AGE OF ABOUT TWELVE, THOSE INTERVIEWS BECOME AT LEAST YEARLY, USUALLY TWICE A YEAR. YOU’LL SIT DOWN WITH THE BISHOP. SAME KIND OF QUESTIONS. ‘ARE YOU READING YOUR SCRIPTURES? DO YOU PRAY?’ CHASTITY. OTHER THINGS START TO BECOME INVOLVED IN THOSE INTERVIEWS AS YOU GROW UP UNTIL YOU DECIDE THAT YOU WANT TO TAKE OUT YOUR ENDOWMENTS AND GO TO THE TEMPLE…THAT VARIES WITH PEOPLE. USUALLY IT’S [DONE] IF SOMEBODY’S GOING ON A MISSION OR GETTING MARRIED. THOSE ARE USUALLY THE TWO TIMES WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO DECIDE YOU’RE GOING TO TAKE OUT YOUR ENDOWMENT. WHEN I WAS GOING TO MARRY MY HUSBAND [AT 24] THAT’S WHEN I DECIDED TO TAKE OUT MY ENDOWMENT. I HAD TO GO AND RECEIVE ONE OF THESE INTERVIEWS AND YOU HAVE TO GET WHAT IS CALLED A TEMPLE RECOMMEND. SO SAME TYPES OF QUESTIONS BUT THIS TIME YOU GET A LITTLE PIECE OF PAPER THAT’S SAYS ‘HEY, YOU’RE WORTHY. YOU’RE READY TO GO. HERE’S THIS PIECE OF PAPER.’ YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT WITH YOU TO THE DISTRIBUTION CENTER TO PURCHASE THESE CLOTHES.” “[MY HUSBAND] GRAHAM WAS ENDOWED EARLIER THAN ME [WHEN HE WAS 19 YEARS OLD] BECAUSE HE WENT ON A MISSION FOR THE CHURCH…THAT’S LIKE THE AVERAGE AGE FOR BOYS, USUALLY, BECAUSE THAT’S WHEN THEY GO ON THEIR MISSIONS…GIRLS HAVE THE OPTION OF DOING IT WHENEVER THEY WANT BUT IT TENDS TO FALL IN LINE WITH WHEN YOU WERE GOING TO GET MARRIED.” “GETTING ENDOWED IN THE TEMPLE AND GETTING MARRIED IN THE TEMPLE ARE TECHNICALLY DIFFERENT THINGS, BUT YOU CAN’T DO ONE WITHOUT THE OTHER. YOU WANT TO FIND A PARTNER THAT IS TEMPLE-WORTHY BECAUSE IF THEY AREN’T…THEY AREN’T GONNA TAKE YOU INTO THAT REALLY IMPORTANT PLACE THAT YOU’VE BEEN WANTING TO GO TO YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. SO THAT BECOMES LIKE A HUGE FOCUS IN YOUR LIFE, ONCE YOU LEAVE HOME AND ARE OUT LOOKING FOR THAT PERSON…YOU WANT TO GO TO ALL THE CHURCH ACTIVITIES—BECAUSE THAT’S WHERE YOU’RE GOING TO FIND THAT PERSON…YOU’RE NOT GOING TO FIND THAT PERSON OUT AT SOME COMMUNITY EVENT…YOU’RE GOING TO FIND THEM IN THESE CHURCH ORGANIZED EVENTS AND PLACES…THAT BECOMES A HUGE FOCUS IN YOUR LIFE AND THE CHURCH DOES A REALLY GOOD JOB OF…[RUNNING] WHAT THEY CALL THE YOUNG SINGLE ADULTS PROGRAM…THERE’S DANCES. THERE’S MONDAY NIGHT ACTIVITIES. THERE’S WEDNESDAY NIGHT ACTIVITIES. THERE’S ACTIVITIES ALL THE TIME LIKE, ‘COME FIND EACH OTHER. COME MEET EACH OTHER.’ YOU KNOW, ‘FALL IN LOVE GET MARRIED IN THE TEMPLE AND PERPETUATE THAT CYCLE WITH YOUR CHILDREN.’” “I FELT OLD…AT 24 YEARS OLD AND NOT BEING MARRIED…BECAUSE THERE IS THIS PRESSURE TO GET MARRIED. THERE IS MORE WORTHY WOMEN THAN MEN…YOU HAVE MORE OF A CHANCE TO REMAIN SINGLE AS A WOMEN IN THIS CHURCH THAN AS A MAN. SO THERE IS DEFINITELY THAT DRIVING FACTOR THAT IF I DON’T DO THIS NOW, I MIGHT LOSE THE OPPORTUNITY.” “[I APPLIED FOR ENDOWMENT] PROBABLY A COUPLE MONTHS AFTER [THE ENGAGEMENT]…IN FEBRUARY OR MARCH I STARTED GOING THROUGH THE PROCESS TO…YOU JUST MAKE AN APPOINTMENT WITH THE BISHOP…HE HAS LIKE A SECRETARY. [ONE WOULD] PHONE UP THE SECRETARY AND SAY, ‘I WANT TO COME IN FOR A TEMPLE RECOMMEND.’…YOU HAVE THAT INTERVIEW AND USUALLY IT’S LIKE YOU ONLY HAVE TO WAIT A WEEK OR TWO TO GET THE STAKE’S—A MONTH MAYBE, AT MOST, IF THEY’RE BUSY…” “THERE’S A DISTRIBUTION CENTRE [FOR THE TEMPLE GARMENTS]. NOT ALL TEMPLES HAVE A DISTRIBUTION CENTRE, BUT IT’S JUST ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE CARDSTON ALBERTA TEMPLE WHERE THEY HAVE ALL DIFFERENT MATERIALS…BUT SPECIFICALLY TEMPLE CLOTHING…MY MOM, AND MY DAD’S MOM, ONE DAY, WENT DOWN THERE, AND THERE’S A WOMAN ON THE FRONT DESK THERE AND SHE TAKES YOU TO THE BACK TO GET [THE GARMENTS]. THEY’RE NOT KEPT IN THE FRONT…THE DRESSES ARE BUT THE REST OF IT ISN’T. SO THEY TAKE YOU TO THE BACK AND THEY MEASURE YOU AND THEY FIND THE RIGHT SIZE FOR YOU AND THEY START HANDING YOU THESE DIFFERENT THINGS THAT YOU’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE, BECAUSE, EVEN THOUGH YOU PREPARE YOUR LIVES TO GO TO THE TEMPLE, WE DON’T REALLY TALK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS THERE. SO NOW THEY BRING OUT THIS GREEN APRON…I’M LIKE, ‘I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT’S FOR.’ THEY BRING OUT THIS OTHER THING, AND THEY SHOW ME THE PIECES BUT THEY DON’T EXPLAIN WHAT THESE PIECES ARE FOR, WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO DO WITH THEM. I REMEMBER JUST GOING BACK THERE AND MEASURING AND THEM PULLING OUT THESE THINGS…[I’M] SUPER CURIOUS ABOUT IT AND WONDERING, AND LIKE TRYING TO PIECE THE PUZZLE TOGETHER. IT WAS EXCITING…YOU’VE WORKED YOUR WHOLE LIFE. YOU’RE FINALLY GOING TO DO THIS…IT WAS KIND OF AN EXCITING EXPERIENCE…YOU ALSO PICK [UP] YOUR GARMENTS THAT DAY. PRIOR TO THE ENDOWMENT YOU DON’T WEAR THE GARMENTS, SO YOU PICK UP A SET OF THOSE…I REMEMBER SIGNING THE PAPER AND COMING BACK.” “I HAVE TO PHONE THE TEMPLE AND MAKE AN APPOINTMENT WITH THEM TO GET MY ENDOWMENT…I PICKED APRIL 6TH…OF 2010. THAT’S AN IMPORTANT DATE IN THE LDS CHURCH. IT’S THE DATE THEY CLAIM WHEN JESUS WAS BORN SO, I THOUGHT, ‘WHAT A GREAT PRESENT.’…YOU MAKE THE APPOINTMENT AND YOU GO…YOU’LL MEET WITH THE TEMPLE MATRON. THERE’S A PRESIDENT OF THE TEMPLE AND HIS WIFE IS THE MATRON OF THE TEMPLE…[IN THE TEMPLE PRESIDENCY THERE’S] THREE GUYS AND THEIR THREE WIVES. YOU’LL MEET WITH ONE OF THE MATRONS WHICH IS ONE OF THE THREE WIVES AND SHE’LL SIT DOWN AND TALK TO YOU A LITTLE BIT…THEY’RE JUST TALKING ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF THE COVENANT THAT YOU’RE GOING TO MEET WITH GOD AND HOW THIS IS SO SPECIAL, AND I REMEMBER FEELING THAT. I REMEMBER FEELING, ‘YEAH, THIS IS.’ THE FIRST PART OF THE ENDOWMENT CEREMONY IS CALLED THE INITIATORY. WHAT YOU WILL DO IS, YOU WILL GO TO A CHANGE ROOM AND PUT ON THESE TEMPLE GARMENTS THAT YOU PURCHASED.” “THESE ARE THE UNDERGARMENTS. YOU PUT THEM ON AND LIKE A BEDSHEET WITH A HOLE IN THE NECK OVER TOP…YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON. SOMEBODY LEADS YOU TO THIS PARTITIONED ROOM. IT’S PARTITIONED OFF INTO, LIKE A SQUARE WITH 4 SQUARES INSIDE OF IT, AND YOU GO INTO ONE OF THE ROOMS, AND THERE’S THREE WOMEN IN THERE AND THEY PUT THEIR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD AND THEY GIVE YOU A BLESSING…THEY BLESSED DIFFERENT PARTS OF YOUR BODY AND THEY TOUCH THEM AS THEY TALK ABOUT THEM. I REMEMBER IT’S YOUR EYES, YOUR HANDS, YOUR LOINS AND IT’S A VERY SPECIAL BLESSING. NOW THIS IS A REALLY COOL PART TO ME, BECAUSE IN MORMONISM, WOMEN DON’T HOLD THE PRIESTHOOD, OR THE POWER OR THE AUTHORITY; MEN DO…BLESSINGS ARE NOT HANDED OUT BY MEN. THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN…JUST SEEING WOMEN DOING THAT WAS SUPER POWERFUL TO ME TO WATCH…IT MADE ME FEEL THAT MAYBE I DO HAVE A PLACE OF IMPORTANCE AND I REMEMBER BEING LIKE, ‘OH, THAT’S WHY THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT BECAUSE THAT’S SO SACRED AND BEAUTIFUL’…I FELT THAT WHEN I WAS THERE. SO THAT’S THE FIRST PART AND IN ACCORDANCE WITH USING THESE UNDERGARMENTS YOU ALSO RECEIVE A NEW NAME WHICH IS ALSO PART OF THE ENDOWMENT CEREMONY. I RECEIVED MY NEW NAME WHICH WAS ‘ADA’…AFTER THAT I WENT BACK IN AND TALKED TO THE MATRON FOR A FEW MORE MINUTES BEFORE THE ENDOWMENT SESSION BEGAN…AT THIS POINT…I HAD MY GARMENTS ON UNDERNEATH BUT I JUST HAD A NORMAL DRESS ON.” “YOU GO TO A CHANGE ROOM, AND I PUT ON, NOW, MY TEMPLE DRESS—OR I PUT ON MY SLIP SO YOU CAN’T SEE ANYTHING UNDERNEATH, AND THEN MY TEMPLE DRESS ON TOP AND YOU GO AND YOU SIT DOWN IN A CHAPEL AREA. IT’S VERY QUIET AND YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK IN THERE. THERE’S SCRIPTURES FOR YOU TO READ. THERE’S [SOMEBODY] PLAYING AN ORGAN, PLAYING HYMNS THAT YOU CAN LISTEN TO, AND YOU’RE JUST SUPPOSED TO SIT THERE AND, GET READY TO GO…NOBODY HAS TOLD YOU WHAT YOU’RE ABOUT TO PARTICIPATE IN. AT SOME POINT THE OFFICIATOR WALKS IN AND HE STANDS AT THE FRONT OF THE ROOM AND, HE’S LIKE, ‘OKAY, WE’RE GOING TO BEGIN THE ENDOWMENT, LIKE FOLLOW ME.’ YOU GET UP AND YOU LINE UP WITH, YOU FOLLOW HIM IN A LINE, WOMEN ON ONE SIDE, MEN ON THE OTHER SIDE, AND YOU FOLLOW HIM UP THE STAIRS.” “WHEN I WAS THERE, I THINK I WAS THE ONLY ONE TAKING OUT THE ENDOWMENT FOR MYSELF. ONCE YOU TAKE OUT YOUR OWN PERSONAL ENDOWMENT, YOU CAN COME BACK TO TAKE OUT ENDOWMENTS FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE DECEASED…THE OTHER PEOPLE THAT ARE THERE HAVE THE NAME OF JUST THESE PEOPLE THAT THEY ARE PERFORMING THIS WORK ON BEHALF OF. WHEN I’M THERE [FOR THE ENDOWMENT], I’M DOING IT FOR MYSELF.” “YOU’RE IN A ROOM FULL OF…PEOPLE YOU LOVE AND KNOW…THERE’S MY MOM, GRANDMA, FRIENDS THAT I’VE INVITED, BUT THERE’S ALSO COMPLETE STRANGERS THAT I’VE NEVER SEEN IN MY LIFE, OR PEOPLE FROM THE COMMUNITY.” “IF YOUR PARTNER’S [AT THE ENDOWMENT] YOU WALK BESIDE YOUR PARTNER. YOU GO UP THE STAIRS AND GO INTO THIS ROOM. IF YOU’RE THERE BY YOURSELF YOU KIND OF STAND IN THE LADY LINE OR THE MAN LINE.” “[MY FIANCÉE] GRAHAM WAS THERE BUT WE WEREN’T MARRIED…YOU LINE UP AND YOU GO INTO THE FIRST ROOM…THIS IS WHERE THEY KIND OF START TALKING ABOUT THINGS. THEY’RE LIKE, ‘OKAY, WE’RE GOING TO START THIS’. THE OFFICIATOR STANDS UP AT THE FRONT AND PRESSES A RECORDING. HE DOESN’T EVEN SPEAK, HE JUST STANDS THERE AND THE RECORDING SAYS THINGS. BUT BASICALLY, IT SAYS, ‘OKAY, YOU’RE GOING TO TAKE OUT YOUR ENDOWMENT. IF YOU WANT TO GET OUT NOW FOR ANY REASON, YOU CAN AND YOU CAN LEAVE.’ THE RECORDING SAYS THAT AND I REMEMBER SITTING THERE AND THINKING ‘I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I’M GOING TO DO AND YOU’RE ASKING ME IF I WANT TO LEAVE OR NOT AND THERE’S ALL THESE PEOPLE THERE, AND FAMILY, AND IF I DON’T DO THIS I’M NOT GOING TO GET TO MARRY GRAHAM.’ I JUST REMEMBER…IT WAS KIND OF A WEIRD MOMENT BECAUSE I’D WORKED MY WHOLE LIFE AND I WANTED TO DO IT BUT AT THE SAME TIME I KIND OF FELT LIKE ‘I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I’M GOING TO DO, AND I’M GOING TO AGREE TO IT?’ IT WAS A KIND OF [A] COGNITIVE DISSONANCE MOMENT WHERE I’M, ‘I DON’T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT.’ IT WAS QUICKLY OVER WITH, ‘YOU’VE WORKED YOUR WHOLE LIFE. THIS IS SACRED, IT’S SPECIAL, IMPORTANT. IT’S GOING TO BE GREAT.’ THEY START THE CEREMONY AND WE START IN WHAT IS CALLED THE CREATION ROOM AND THEY SHOW YOU A FILM DEPICTING THE CREATION AS IT’S TOLD IN THE BIBLE AND THE DIFFERENT DAYS AND WHAT WAS CREATED ON WHICH DAY UNTIL YOU GET TO ADAM AND EVE.” “EVERYBODY [IS THERE]…THE WHOLE COMPANY. YOU SIT IN THE FRONT OF THE ROOM AS THE PERSON GETTING ENDOWED. EVERYBODY’S BEHIND YOU. YOU CAN’T SEE REALLY…THERE’S PEWS, WOMEN ON ONE SIDE AND THE MEN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM.” “IT’S A VIDEO THAT’S BEING WATCHED THAT DEPICTS THE CREATION UP TO WHEN YOU GET TO ADAM AND EVE AND THEY TALK ABOUT THE CREATION OF ADAM AND ABOUT THE CREATION OF EVE…[THEY] START TELLING THE STORY OF THE GARDEN OF EDEN. GOD GIVES THEM SPECIFIC COMMANDMENTS, LIKE YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO EAT FROM THE TREE OF KNOWLEDGE OF GOOD AND EVIL. SO DON’T DO IT, YOU CAN EAT OF EVERYTHING ELSE…IT WALKS THROUGH THAT STORY AND WHAT HAPPENED…IMMEDIATELY AFTER EATING THE FRUIT, ADAM DISCOVERED THAT THEY WERE NAKED…THEY QUICKLY PUT TOGETHER AN APRON BECAUSE, ‘I HEAR GOD’S COMING DOWN. WE NEED TO COVER OURSELVES’. SO AT THAT POINT THEY TELL YOU, ‘CAN YOU PLEASE PUT ON YOUR APRON?’ AND THEY PAUSE THE VIDEO FOR A MINUTE AND YOU’RE KIND OF LIKE, ‘OKAY’. SO YOU PUT [THE GREEN] APRON ON OUTSIDE YOUR DRESS. EVERYONE DOES THAT.” “…THEN THE VIDEO GOES ON. ADAM AND EVE WERE CAST OUT AND THE STORY CONTINUES. ONCE YOU’RE CAST OUT OF THE GARDEN, THE VIDEO ENDS, THE LIGHTS COME ON AND YOU GO INTO A DIFFERENT ROOM. IT’S CALLED THE ‘LONE AND DREARY WORLD’…SAME THING, MEN AND WOMEN ON EACH SIDE AND THEY START UP ANOTHER VIDEO…AFTER ADAM AND EVE ARE IN THE LONE AND DREARY WORLD, SATAN COMES ALONG AND TRIES TO GET THEM TO…COME AND FOLLOW HIM AND BUY INTO HIS IDEAS AND LISTEN TO HIM…[YOU] JUST GO THROUGH AND ALONG THE WAY PUT ON DIFFERENT ARTICLES OF CLOTHES TO CORRESPOND WITH THE STORY THAT’S BEING TOLD TO YOU ABOUT THE CREATION, ABOUT THE GARDEN OF EDEN AND THEN, ABOUT LIKE WHAT THIS LIFE IS ABOUT.” “ADAM AND EVE’S STORY IS SUPPOSED TO BE REPRESENTATIVE OF OUR STORY HERE ON EARTH. WE’RE TRYING TO MAKE IT BACK TO THE PRESENCE OF GOD SO, IN THE VIDEOS, PETER, JAMES AND JOHN COME DOWN AND TALK TO ADAM AND EVE AND TELL THEM, ‘YOU DO THE COVENANTS THAT YOU NEED TO MAKE, THAT YOU NEED TO DO TO GET BACK TO THE PRESENCE OF GOD.’ THAT INVOLVES THESE CLOTHES. AT ONE POINT YOU’RE TOLD TO PUT ON THE GARMENTS OF THE HOLY PRIESTHOOD. YOU PUT THAT ON, (YOU HAVE TO TAKE YOUR APRON OFF), PUT THE ROBES ON, PUT THE APRON ON AND TIE A SASH AROUND YOUR WAIST.” “YOU PUT A VEIL ON YOUR HEAD AND YOU MAKE CERTAIN COVENANTS AND PROMISES AND THEN FOR SOME BIZARRE REASON AT SOME POINT IN THE TEMPLE YOU HAVE TO SWITCH SIDES—YOU START ON THE LEFT SIDE WHICH ARE REPRESENTATIVE OF THE LESSER PRIESTHOOD IN THE CHURCH…THEN AT SOME POINT YOU SWITCH EVERYTHING TO THE RIGHT SHOULDER SO I HAVE TO SWITCH THIS ROBE OVER, I HAVE TO MOVE THE SASH TO THE OTHER SIDE OF MY BODY AND THEN I MAKE A DIFFERENT SET OF PROMISES...” “I REMEMBER BEING OVERWHELMED. I REMEMBER BEING, LIKE, ‘I DON’T REMEMBER A SINGLE THING.’ AT THE END OF THE ENDOWMENT, YOU ARE BROUGHT TO A VEIL AND YOU HAVE TO PRETTY MUCH RECALL EVERYTHING. THERE’S A SET OF QUESTIONS AND HANDSHAKES AND WORDS THAT YOU HAVE TO SAY TO MAKE IT THROUGH INTO THE PRESENCE OF GOD THAT HAVE ALL BEEN REVEALED THROUGHOUT THIS [ENDOWMENT] SESSION…I REMEMBER THEM BRINGING ME UP TO THE VEIL, DRESSED IN EVERYTHING AND FEELING, ‘HOW AM I GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS? THIS WAS SO OVERWHELMING.’…THERE IS SOMEBODY THERE TO HELP YOU OR WHISPER IN YOUR EAR WHAT YOU NEED TO DO, BUT I REMEMBER…IT WASN’T A SENSE OF CLARITY IN LIKE, ‘OH, MY GOODNESS, IT FINALLY ALL MAKES SENSE.’ IT WAS JUST LIKE, ‘THAT WAS COMPLETELY OVERWHELMING AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO DO THIS, STILL’…THAT’S WHY THEY HAVE YOU KEEP COMING BACK…TO BECOME MORE FAMILIAR WITH THE ENDOWMENT SESSION AND MORE COMFORTABLE WITH IT.” “I WAS BACK A WEEK LATER. I WAS GOING TO GET A GOOD HANDLE ON WHAT I NEEDED TO SAY AND WHAT I NEEDED TO DO SO THAT I WASN’T ANXIOUS ABOUT IT. I WANTED TO BE GOOD AT IT…[THEY RUN IT] PRETTY MUCH EVERY DAY, WEEK DAYS.” ON HER TIME WITH THE CHURCH OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS, RUTTAN SHARED, “I WAS GOING TO MAKE IT [TO THE TEMPLE]…I WAS PRETTY DEVOUT…MY FAMILY KIND OF ALL FELL AWAY FROM THE CHURCH AND I ENDED UP KIND OF BEING LIKE THE STRONGHOLD. I WAS GOING TO WIN EVERYBODY BACK AND I WAS GOING TO DO EVERYTHING RIGHT, AND SO GETTING TO THE TEMPLE WAS OBVIOUSLY A VERY IMPORTANT THING…IT WAS NEVER LIKE A QUESTION IN MY MIND LIKE IF I WAS GOING TO GO IT WAS JUST WHEN.” “I’M IN CARDSTON [AT THE TIME I’M ENDOWED]…MY MOM’S CONVERTED. MY DAD HAS ALWAYS BEEN…INTERESTED IN LEARNING ABOUT THE HISTORY OF THE CHURCH AND NOT JUST BELIEVING THE NARRATIVE THE CHURCH TELLS YOU…HE WAS INVESTED IN FIGURING THINGS OUT FOR HIMSELF. SO ONCE HE STARTED TO KIND OF RESEARCH THAT AND REALIZED, ‘OH, IT’S NOT QUITE THE SHINING STORY THAT THEY TELL US; IT’S REALLY COMPLICATED AND MESSY,’ HIS TESTIMONY OR DEVOUTNESS TO THE CHURCH KIND OF SUBSIDED. EVENTUALLY MY DAD WAS EXCOMMUNICATED FROM THE CHURCH, WHEN I WAS AROUND 13 YEARS OLD, FOR APOSTASY…THAT WAS KIND OF LIKE A HUGE THING IN THIS LITTLE COMMUNITY. EVERYBODY KNEW…[THE EVENT] INCREASED MY, AGAIN, DEVOTION TO…DO WHAT I NEEDED TO DO AND KEEP IT TOGETHER.” “I FELT LIKE I HAD A TESTIMONY—A STRONG BELIEF IN IT. THERE’S ALSO THINGS THAT ARE FED TO YOU…I REMEMBER SITTING DOWN IN A MEETING WITH MY BISHOP AND HE TOLD ME THAT IT WAS MY RESPONSIBILITY TO BE A GOOD EXAMPLE TO MY FAMILY…I HAD A TESTIMONY. ‘YOU KNOW THESE THINGS ASHLEY. SO YOU READ YOUR SCRIPTURES AND YOU DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO AND YOU’RE GOING TO BE THE INFLUENCE ON THEM THAT BRINGS THEM BACK.’…LOOKING BACK NOW I’M LIKE, ‘THAT’S STRAIGHT UP GARBAGE.’ BUT THEN I BOUGHT INTO IT AND FELT LIKE THAT WAS MY DUTY AND THAT WAS MY RESPONSIBILITY AND I HAD TO DO IT.” “…MORMONISM CREATES SUCH A STRONG COMMUNITY. IF THERE’S ANYTHING THAT MORMONISM IS LIKE REALLY GOOD AT, IT’S RALLYING AROUND YOU WHEN TIMES ARE TOUGH, WHEN TIMES ARE BAD…MAYBE THEIR INTENTIONS ARE NOT ALWAYS THE BEST, NOW LOOKING BACK, BUT THEY THINK THEY ARE, AND THEY THINK THAT THEY’RE LIKE JUST EMBRACING YOU AND HELPING YOU…I HAD GREAT YOUTH LEADERS. I HAD GOOD PEOPLE WHO WERE THERE FOR ME AND WANTED ME TO SUCCEED. SO EVEN THOUGH I KIND OF SAID, ‘WELL, THAT WAS GARBAGE THAT MY BISHOP PUT ALL THAT PRESSURE ON ME TO DO THAT.’ AT THE SAME TIME, THERE WERE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE THAT I PROBABLY NEEDED AT THAT POINT FOR SUPPORT AND ENCOURAGEMENT AND I APPRECIATED THAT AND RELIED ON IT TOO.” “I MEAN, IT WAS KNOWN…I COULDN’T ESCAPE THAT…MOSTLY LIKE IN THE COMMUNITY. IT WASN’T NECESSARILY LIKE AT CHURCH. IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE…IN CARDSTON, MORMONISM’S JUST SO INTERTWINED WITH THE COMMUNITY AT LARGE. I FELT IT MORE OUT WHEN I WAS JUST LIKE AT SCHOOL OR WALKING DOWNTOWN AND WOULD RUN INTO SOMEBODY. BUT LIKE AT CHURCH ITSELF, I FELT LIKE PEOPLE WERE THERE FOR ME AND SUPPORTED ME AND LOVED ME.” “I MARRIED GRAHAM [RUTTAN] ON MAY 8TH, 2010…WHEN WE GET MARRIED, GRAHAM AND I ARE COMPLETELY DRESSED IN EVERYTHING BUT WE’RE THE ONLY TWO. THE OFFICIATORS ARE JUST WEARING WHITE SUITS. ANYONE IN ATTENDANCE IS JUST WEARING SUNDAY BEST CLOTHES. WE’RE THE ONLY ONES THAT ARE IN TEMPLE CLOTHES.” “[SOME PEOPLE WERE NOT IN ATTENDANCE AND] THAT’S ONE OF THE BIGGEST REGRETS IN MY LIFE. MY DAD WASN’T ABLE TO COME TO THE TEMPLE, OBVIOUSLY AND THERE WAS MY MOM’S MOM…THEY HAD TO WAIT OUTSIDE THE TEMPLE. THEY’RE OBVIOUSLY HUGE IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE, BUT I THOUGHT I WAS DOING ‘THE RIGHT THING’. THAT’S WHAT I’VE WORKED MY WHOLE LIFE TO DO. I REMEMBER THEM LETTING MY DAD AND GRANDMA INTO LIKE THE FRONT ENTRY OF THE TEMPLE…THERE’S LIKE THE AREA BEFORE THE DESK, AND THERE’S LIKE A FOUNTAIN AND SOME CHAIRS…I REMEMBER THEM LETTING THEM [IN THERE] AND THINKING LIKE, ‘OH HOW GREAT THAT THEY LET THEM IN TO THIS’…IT MAKES ME VERY MAD WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT NOW…THOSE PEOPLE COULDN’T COME IN BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T HAVE THAT SPECIAL CARD SAYING THAT THEY LIVE THEIR LIFE IN THIS WAY.” “WHEN WE WERE FIRST MARRIED…WE ARE GOING TO BE THAT COUPLE THAT GOES TO THE TEMPLE EVERY WEEK…YOU DO ACHIEVE THAT GOAL BUT THEN, AGAIN THERE’S STILL PRESSURE TO BE THAT STAR MEMBER OF THE CHURCH…YOU’RE TRYING TO MAKE IT BACK [TO] THE PRESENCE OF GOD. THAT IS THE END GOAL AND YOU’RE TOLD, ‘THESE ARE THE BOXES THAT YOU NEED TO CHECK TO DO THAT.’…AS MUCH AS PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THAT AS BEING LIKE FAITH IN THE PLAN OR FAITH IN GOD REALLY THAT’S SO INTERMINGLED WITH FEAR THAT IF YOU DON’T DO THOSE THINGS, YOU’RE OUT OF LUCK FRIEND AND YOU BETTER DO THEM AND YOU BETTER DO THEM RIGHT AND YOU BETTER DO THEM TO THE BEST OF YOUR ABILITIES.” “YOU’VE GOT TO RAISE YOUR KIDS, THIS UPCOMING GENERATION IN A WAY THAT THEY’RE GOING TO FOLLOW THE SAME PATH THAT YOU DID FROM THE AGE OF 3 IN PRIMARY, SINGING THE SONGS, LEARNING THE LESSONS, GOING THROUGH THE INTERVIEWS…NOW THE PRESSURE’S ON YOU TO PASS IT ON TO THE NEXT GENERATION.” RUTTAN ELABORATED ON LEAVING THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS, SHARING, “AS FAR AS OUR CHURCH ACTIVITY GOES AND TEMPLE ATTENDANCE? WE CONTINUED TO [GO]…PRETTY REGULARLY UP TILL ABOUT 2015. IN 2015 THE CHURCH ROLLED OUT A POLICY THAT EXCLUDED [LGBTQ+ MEMBERS]…IT ALREADY HAD A HARD STANCE AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE BUT NOW IT WAS SAYING IF YOU’RE IN LIKE A GAY MARRIAGE, YOU’RE LIKE APOSTATE, YOUR KIDS CAN’T GET BAPTIZED…I REMEMBER THAT JUST HITTING ME AND BEING LIKE, ‘NO. NO. I DON’T FEEL LIKE THAT’S RIGHT.’” “I REMEMBER GOING TO THE TEMPLE AND I REMEMBER WATCHING THE VIDEO AND I REMEMBER WATCHING EVE BECAUSE THAT’S…THE ONLY FEMALE ROLE IN THE VIDEO. I REMEMBER BEING LIKE, ‘SHE DOESN’T TALK VERY MUCH. SHE DOESN’T HAVE A LOT OF LINES. SHE DOESN’T REALLY DO A WHOLE LOT…THIS IS SUPPOSED TO REFLECT MY EXPERIENCE.’ I WAS THINKING ABOUT MY EXPERIENCE IN THE CHURCH AND I WAS LIKE, ‘OH, I DON’T VISUALLY SEE A LOT OF WOMEN IN THE CHURCH.’ THERE’S A LOT OF MEN EVERYWHERE BUT I DON’T SEE ANY WOMEN UP ON THE STAND A LOT OF THE TIME, LIKE LEADING THE MEETINGS…ALL OF A SUDDEN THESE PIECES, LIKE THE TEMPLE WHICH WAS SUPPOSED TO REVEAL [TO] YOU ALL THESE GREAT THINGS…STRENGTHEN YOUR COMMITMENT TO THE CHURCH AND TO GOD. THE TEMPLE KIND OF STARTED TO HAVE THAT FALL APART FOR ME TOO, IN A WEIRD WAY. BECAUSE I WAS LIKE YOU KNOW, ‘OH, EVE’S REALLY SILENT,’ AND THEN I NOTICED IN THE CHURCH WOMEN ARE GENERALLY PRETTY SILENT. THEY DON’T HAVE AS MUCH OF A VOICE. WE TELL THEM THEY DO AND WE SAY ALL THE RIGHT THINGS BUT WHEN YOU ACTUALLY STEP BACK AND LOOK AT IT…YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GO [TO] THE TEMPLE AND YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO LOOK FOR INSPIRATION. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO FIGURE OUT THE SECRET…YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TO THE TEMPLE, EACH TIME LOOKING FOR NEW THINGS AND TRYING TO LEARN SOMETHING NEW. SO I TOOK IT AT ITS WORD. THAT’S WHAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DO. I WAS PAYING REALLY CLOSE ATTENTION. WITH EVE BEING THE ONLY FEMALE PERSON [IN THE VIDEO], I PAID REALLY CLOSE ATTENTION TO HER…I REMEMBER DRIVING WITH GRAHAM IN THE CAR ONE DAY AND I WAS LIKE, ‘DOES IT BOTHER YOU THAT LIKE EVE DOESN’T SAY A WHOLE LOT IN THE TEMPLE VIDEO?’ AND HE WAS LIKE, ‘WELL, I NEVER NOTICE OR THINK ABOUT IT.’ I WAS LIKE, ‘WE HEAR ABOUT A LOT OF WHAT GOD GETS TO DO AND WHAT JESUS GETS TO DO IN THIS PLAN, BUT WHAT DO WOMEN GET TO DO AFTER THIS?’ HE’S LIKE, ‘I DON’T KNOW.’ AND I WAS LIKE, ‘WELL THAT KIND OF BOTHERS ME THAT I DON’T KNOW, AND THAT I CAN’T SEE A PLACE IN THIS PLAN FOR ME BESIDES STANDING BY YOUR SIDE. I DON’T WANT TO JUST BE YOUR SIDEKICK.’…IT’S FUNNY THAT THE TEMPLE WAS WHAT KIND OF STARTED TO UNRAVEL THINGS FOR ME BECAUSE THAT’S NOT WHAT IT’S SUPPOSED TO DO…” “…IT’S LIKE PULLING A THREAD ON A SWEATER. YOU START LOOKING INTO CHURCH HISTORY AND DIFFERENT THINGS THAT HAPPENED AND I REMEMBER GOING TO CHURCH APPROVED BOOKS OR CHURCH APPROVED SITES, AND READING APOLOGETICS ABOUT DIFFERENT QUESTIONS I WOULD HAVE OR DIFFERENT THINGS THAT WOULD JUST KIND OF NOT SIT RIGHT WITH ME. I’D FIND A FAITHFUL ANSWER. FOR A WHILE, I DID OKAY WITH THAT. I ALSO WANTED TO BE THE TYPE OF MEMBER THAT AGAIN FIGURED IT OUT…I HAD TACKLED ALL THE TOUGH QUESTIONS AND I CAME OUT STILL ON TOP WITH THE TESTIMONY…IT JUST DIDN’T WORK OUT THAT WAY.” “…STUDYING THE HISTORY OF THE CHURCH AS WELL YOU LIKE REALIZE, ‘OH, THERE WAS A POINT IN TIME WHEN THE CHURCH WAS RACIST AND WITHHELD TEMPLE BLESSINGS AND PRIESTHOOD POWER FROM AFRICAN- AMERICAN MEMBERS OF THE CHURCH.’ I REMEMBER READING THAT AND BEING LIKE, ‘HMM, WHAT? THAT DOESN’T SEEM RIGHT. THAT SEEMS RACIST.’ THEN WATCHING THIS [NEW POLICY] UNFOLD…I FEEL LIKE THERE’S A PATTERN HERE WHERE WE’RE KIND OF LAGGING BEHIND. IT JUST KIND OF CONNECTED DOTS. ‘MAYBE THE CHURCH ISN’T RIGHT ALL THE TIME. I’VE READ ABOUT WHEN THEY’RE WRONG IN THE PAST AND MAYBE THEY’RE WRONG NOW.’” “I DON’T KNOW WHY I FELT SO STRONGLY ABOUT IT, BUT I WAS JUST LIKE, I FEEL LIKE THIS IS WRONG…IF GOD LOVES EVERYBODY AND ALL ARE ALIKE UNTO GOD, THEN WHY ARE WE DRAWING THESE WEIRD LINES IN THE SAND? WHAT ARE WE DOING...YOU’RE TAUGHT THAT YOU’RE ALL BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN THE CHURCH AND THAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO REACH OUT IN LOVE AND HELP PEOPLE. I DON’T GET IT AND I FEEL LIKE WE’RE MARGINALIZING A GROUP OF PEOPLE AND I FEEL LIKE I’M SUPPOSED TO REACH OUT IN LOVE AND SUPPORT. I FEEL LIKE THAT OVERRIDES WHAT THE PROPHET IS TELLING ME TO DO. MY OWN ‘WHATEVER’ IS SAYING, ‘THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.’ SO [GRAHAM AND I] TOOK LIKE AN ACTIVE STANCE. WE WOULD SPEAK OUT AGAINST IT. WE WOULD RAISE OUR HANDS IN MEETINGS.” “AT THAT POINT I HELD A CALLING IN WHAT’S CALLED YOUNG WOMEN’S. THAT’S LIKE [OLDER] GIRLS 12 TO 18 IN THE CHURCH, WHERE YOU’LL TEACH LESSONS AND DO ACTIVITIES THROUGHOUT THE WEEK AND SO I TAUGHT LESSONS. I REMEMBER BEING LIKE, ‘I’M GONNA TALK ABOUT LGBTQ STUFF IN A LESSON,’ WHICH YOU DON’T DO…YOU DON’T BRING THAT UP. IT’S WRONG. YOU DON’T TALK ABOUT IT. I REMEMBER JUST BEING LIKE, ‘UM, NO. I’M GONNA TALK ABOUT IT. IT’S GONNA BE PART OF MY LESSON. TOUGH BEANS…OUR JOB AS MEMBERS OF THE CHURCH IS TO JUST REACH OUT IN LOVE. THERE’S OTHER PEOPLE TO DEAL WITH THE WORTHINESS ASPECT OF THIS. IF WE HAVE SOMEBODY THAT’S SAYING LIKE, ‘I IDENTIFY AS THIS BUT I STILL WANT TO BE IN CHURCH,’ THEN JUST LET THEM AND ACCEPT THEM, AND IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO DO ANYTHING ELSE.’ I REMEMBER LEADERS [OTHER WOMEN WHO VOLUNTEERED IN THIS CALLING] COMING UP TO ME AFTER…THERE’S LEADERS IN THIS ROOM. AFTERWARDS THE PRESIDENT OF THE YOUNG WOMEN’S ORGANIZATION IN OUR WARD, SHE WAS LIKE, ‘I FEEL LIKE THAT’S A SLIPPERY SLOPE. I FEEL LIKE THAT’S CONDONING BEHAVIOR WE SHOULDN’T CONDONE.’ I WAS LIKE, ‘I DON’T FEEL THAT WAY.’ BUT THERE’S PUSH BACK…PEOPLE STARTED TO NOTICE THAT WE WERE BUCKING THE SYSTEM A LITTLE BIT, AND WEREN’T OKAY WITH THAT. THERE’S MECHANISMS AGAIN IN PLACE—SOCIAL PRESSURE…‘YOU BETTER GET YOURSELF IN CHECK; YOU’RE ON A PATH THAT’S NOT THE RIGHT ONE.’” “I REMEMBER TEACHING THE LESSON. SOMETHING THAT HAS ALWAYS STUCK WITH ME IS THAT THERE’S ALWAYS SOMEBODY IN THE ROOM. THROUGHOUT MY TIME TEACHING IN THE CHURCH—I DIDN’T KNOW IT AT THE TIME, BUT THERE’S ALWAYS A THIRD PERSON IN THE ROOM WHEN I WAS TEACHING A LESSON…A COUPLE WEEKS LATER I HAD ONE OF THE GIRLS KNOCK AT MY DOOR AND COME IN AND TALK TO ME AND CAME OUT TO ME, AND I WAS LIKE, ‘THERE’S ALWAYS SOMEONE IN THE ROOM, YOU KNOW.’…IT ALSO AGAIN KIND OF VALIDATED WHAT I WAS DOING AND WHY I WAS SPEAKING OUT.” “WE’D TALK ABOUT CHURCH HISTORY STUFF TOO LIKE THERE’D BE LESSONS ABOUT CHURCH HISTORY AND WE’D BE LIKE, ‘HMM, WELL ACTUALLY SOME OF THIS STUFF HAPPENED,’ AND IT WASN’T THE SHINY POLISHED STORY THAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TELL. IT WAS SOME KIND OF PART THAT PAINTED SOMEBODY IN MAYBE NOT THE BRIGHTEST LIGHT. ‘DON’T TALK ABOUT THAT. THAT’S NOT THE ANSWER YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE…FALL IN LINE WITH THE SCRIPT; TELL THE RIGHT STORY, EVEN THOUGH IT’S NOT THE TRUTH. THIS IS WHAT WE’RE SUPPOSED TO SAY. THIS IS WHAT WE’RE SUPPOSED TO DO.’ SO WE’D START SAYING THINGS LIKE OUTSIDE THAT NARRATIVE.” “[MY INTEREST WAS TO REMAIN COMMITTED TO THE CHURCH AND HOPEFULLY STEER OTHER MEMBERS] AND CREATE A SPACE FOR MAYBE A DIFFERENCE OF OPINION OR SOME AUTHENTICITY, BECAUSE UNFORTUNATELY YOU’RE BEING LIED TO A LITTLE BIT WHEN IT COMES TO THINGS LIKE CHURCH HISTORY…BEING ABLE TO TALK ABOUT THAT OPENLY AND BEING, LIKE, ‘HEY, LET’S DISCUSS THIS IN THIS SPACE. THAT’S STILL FAITH PROMOTING OR WHATEVER, THAT WE CAN EXPLORE THESE IDEAS INSTEAD OF JUST SHUTTING THEM DOWN AND FALLING BACK IN LINE.’” “[THINGS DON’T NECESSARILY WORK OUT] ESPECIALLY NOT IN CARDSTON…IT’S A SCARY THING TO CHALLENGE THAT SECURITY AND THAT COMFORT AND THAT THING THAT’S BEEN A PART OF YOUR LIFE ALL ALONG. THAT’S A SCARY THING TO DO…PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO DO IT. IT’S VERY THREATENING…PEOPLE WILL PUT PRESSURE ON YOU TO BE QUIET OR TO GET OUT.” “I REMEMBER, THE BEGINNING OF JANUARY [2017], GRAHAM SAID, ‘I’M DONE. I DON’T WANT TO GO ANYMORE.’ I’M LIKE, ‘NO, WE CAN DO THIS. WE CAN CREATE A SPACE. WE CAN BE THOSE TYPES OF MEMBERS THAT—‘…I WAS STILL HANGING ON…I GET RELEASED [FROM MY CALLING IN SUMMER 2017]. YOU ONLY HOLD A CALLING OR A VOLUNTEER POSITION FOR SO LONG IN THE CHURCH…IF YOU DON’T HOLD A CALLING YOU GO TO A REGULAR CLASS, IF YOU DON’T HAVE TO GO TEACH SOMETHING OR WATCH KIDS…YOU JUST GO TO WHAT’S CALLED THE RELIEF SOCIETY AND SUNDAY SCHOOL, SO I WAS JUST SITTING IN CLASSES AT THAT POINT.” “[I FELT] UNCOMFORTABLE REALLY…I’M NOT THE ONE GETTING TO PUT MY IDEAS OUT THERE; I’M HAVING TO LISTEN TO WHAT THE DOMINANT THEME…FEELING, IS, AND I’M LIKE, ‘THAT’S NOT WHAT I THINK OR FEEL.’ AGAIN, I WOULD RAISE MY HAND AND SHARE MY THOUGHTS, WHICH WEREN’T ALWAYS POPULAR OR WELL RECEIVED, WHICH IS ALSO A THING, TOO. YOU WANT TO BE ACCEPTED IN YOUR COMMUNITY; YOU WANT TO BE EMBRACED, AND I FOUND THAT, WHEN I STARTED DOING THAT, THE SUPPORT STARTS TO DIMINISH.” “I REMEMBER MY LAST MEETING VERY DISTINCTLY…[THERE] WAS A WOMAN WHO WAS REALLY LOOKED UP TO IN THE WARD GIVING THE LESSON. EVERYBODY ALWAYS LOOKED FORWARD TO HER LESSONS, SHE’S A GREAT TEACHER, WELL SPOKEN, AND I REMEMBER HER TALKING—THE END OF HER LESSON WAS LIKE ‘DRIVE IT HOME, STRENGTHEN THE FAMILY’ MEANING TO BE VERY VIGILANT IN FIGHTING AGAINST THE LGBTQ AGENDA…STRENGTHENING OUR FAMILIES. I REMEMBER SEEING THE GIRL WHO HAD SHOWED UP AT MY HOUSE OUT OF THE CORNER OF MY EYE, CRYING IN THE CORNER. I REMEMBER RAISING MY HAND BUT THEY DIDN’T CALL ON ME BECAUSE THEY KNEW WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY. THEY JUST LET ME SIT THERE WITH TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE, WATCHING HER, AND I JUST SAT THERE FOR MAYBE 3 OR 4 MINUTES WITH MY HAND IN THE AIR…I REALIZED IF THEY WON’T LET ME SPEAK, I CAN’T HAVE A VOICE. I CAME HOME THAT DAY AND SAID, ‘I’M DONE. WE’RE DONE, BECAUSE I’VE TRIED AS HARD AS I CAN TRY AND IT’S OVER.’ AND GRAHAM WAS LIKE, ‘GREAT, LIKE I’VE BEEN DONE FOREVER,’ AND HE WAS HAPPY TO BE DONE. I JUST REMEMBER THAT BEING THE DAY. I REMEMBER WALKING OUT THE DOOR KNOWING THAT I WASN’T GOING BACK. IT WAS A BIG RELIEF BUT IT WAS ALSO REALLY SAD AT THE SAME TIME BECAUSE IT’S BEEN, NOT ONLY A HUGE PART OF YOUR LIFE, BUT A PART OF WHO YOU ARE FOR AS LONG AS YOU CAN REMEMBER.” RUTTAN EXPLAINED HOW THE DONATION AFFECTED HER, NOTING, “I FEEL LIKE I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO SOMETHING IMPORTANT WITH THEM BECAUSE IT WAS AN IMPORTANT PART OF MY LIFE. NOW I JUST FEEL LIKE IT’S BEEN ENOUGH TIME THAT I FEEL COMFORTABLE TO TALK ABOUT IT AND LET IT GO AND I DON’T KNOW WHY IT’S THIS AMOUNT OF TIME BUT I JUST FELT LIKE I WAS READY TO LET THIS GO. AND IT’S AN IMPORTANT PART TO LET GO…YOU COULD BE LIKE MY HUSBAND AND STRAIGHT OUT THROW THEM IN THE TRASH IN AN ANGRY MOMENT. THERE IS AN OPTION TO DONATE THEM BACK TO THE CHURCH FOR PEOPLE WHO MAYBE CAN’T AFFORD TEMPLE CLOTHES BECAUSE THERE IS A COST ASSOCIATED WITH PURCHASING A SET OF TEMPLE CLOTHES SO THAT IS AN OPTION…THOSE ARE YOUR ONLY OPTIONS REALLY. WHEN I SAW THIS AS AN OPTION I WAS LIKE THIS IS A WAY…I FEEL AN IMPORTANT WAY TO RID MYSELF OF THEM…OR LET THEM GO. IT MADE SENSE TO ME BECAUSE IT FEELS IMPORTANT. LIKE THIS WAS AN IMPORTANT PART OF MY LIFE AND THIS FEELS LIKE AN IMPORTANT THING THAT I COULD DO WITH THEM.” “I’M STILL FIGURING [OUT MY LIFE WITHOUT THE CHURCH OF LATTER DAY SAINTS]…I THINK THAT [WAS] A LOT OF THE REASON I WAS HANGING ON AT THE END, BECAUSE IT WAS SO SCARY. I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT LIFE OUTSIDE MORMONISM WOULD LOOK LIKE. THAT’S HOW I WAS GOING TO LIVE MY LIFE AND RAISE MY FAMILY AND SAIL OFF INTO THE SUNSET…SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW? FOR A LONG TIME, IT WAS REALLY DIFFICULT. I WOULD CRY ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR ON A WEEKLY BASIS ABOUT IT BECAUSE I FELT SO LOST, ESPECIALLY WHEN WE WERE STILL IN CARDSTON…BECAUSE YOU CAN’T ESCAPE IT…IT JUST TAKES EXPOSING YOURSELF TO…NEW AND DIFFERENT THINGS AND NEW AND DIFFERENT PEOPLE THAT YOU WERE TOLD YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO GO MEET THIS PERSON AND BE THIS PERSON’S FRIEND…CHALLENGING ALL THOSE THINGS THAT YOU WERE TOLD, ‘YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THIS. THIS ISN’T GOING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY. THIS RELATIONSHIP, THIS ACTION’…THERE’S THIS VERY SPECIFIC SET OF RULES IN MORMONISM AND HOW YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO LIVE YOUR LIFE. GOING OUT AND EXPERIENCING THOSE THINGS, I THINK, IS HOW I STARTED TO REALIZE THAT IT’S GOING TO BE OKAY…WHEN YOU ARE IN MORMONISM, YOU JUST ASSOCIATE WITH A LOT OF OTHER MORMON PEOPLE…GOING AND MEETING PEOPLE AND DEVELOPING FRIENDSHIPS AND RELATIONSHIPS WITH PEOPLE WHO LIVE OUTSIDE THAT AND SEEING THAT THEY LIVE THEIR LIVES AND THEY’RE JUST FINE. THAT HELPS YOU LEARN, LIKE, ‘YOU’RE GOING TO BE JUST FINE AND YOU’RE GOING TO FIND A WAY TO LIVE YOUR LIFE THAT‘S GOING TO MAKE YOU HAPPIER THAN YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE THERE.’” FOR MORE INFORMATION INCLUDING THE FULL INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPTION, PLEASE SEE THE PERMANENT FILE P20190016000-GA.
Catalogue Number
P20190016000
Acquisition Date
2019-07
Collection
Museum
Images
Less detail